"I made the biggest decision in my life. I decided to quit smoking."

My husband and I decided over a month ago that he would leave for a few weeks to start building our dream home out of state, near his parents (who smoke). I thought I really lucked out. Most every thought that centered around moving next year involved a scene with me and his parents outside on the deck smoking together. Him being gone for a few weeks where I can smoke without "risk" sounded great.. My son and I will be arriving in July to spend the rest of summer there and then we will all return back home.

Since I have had so much time alone, I have had a lot to think about and reflect on. Then, I made the biggest decision in my life. I decided to quit smoking.

I decided to quit the madness and chaos. I decided to look my addiction in the face and say NO MORE! I don't want our son to smoke. I want to be close to my family. I don't want to burden my family with the cost and pain of a debilitating smoking-related disease (like my father). I want to be able to hang out with my nonsmoking friends, I want to look forward to traveling and spending time with my hubby. I don't want to schedule my time around smoking. I want to be free of its hold over me.

A friend suggested making a quit date. I did. I began obsessing over my quit date. I asked everyone I could think of for advice. I called 1-800-no-butts. It was after-hours and I listened to every available bit of information they could provide on their answering machine. I read the posts on this site and the quitting information. This site inspired me. I finally felt like I could do it. I decided to do it. I asked my mother for help. I asked my sister for help. I asked my son for help.

Meanwhile, my husband knows nothing about my habit, much less me quitting it. He does not know how I cry myself to sleep for being such a horrible wife. He doesn't know how I wish I could take back every moment that I smoked, just to spend that time with him because I miss him so much. He doesn't know that I am a selfish, manipulative person, or how sorry I am that I didn't realize who I had become or what this addiction was doing to us.

I am going to just be brave and reach out to you, because I am so tired. I am tired of keeping secrets, I am tired of pushing people away, I am tired of being ashamed, and I am tired of being sorry. I am tired of hiding and being someone I'm not.

This is my fifth day of freedom from bondage. I will not smoke today. I will not be the person I hate.

I have a fiery determination and indefinite patience to remain free from smoking. I will rise above the smoke. I am starting to feel good about myself again.

The last 5 days have been physically tough: Nausea, sweats, headaches, and a feeling of emptiness.

But there is truth.

That is what I have and that is what keeps me going.

Thanks for letting me share my terrible secrets with you. It helps so much for me to tell on myself and look at myself honestly. I've haven't done that for a long time. Thanks for being there and letting me reach out.

~Kay~