I ask myself: “How could I have been so blind? How could I have dared put my body through such abuse? How could I have had no respect for others around me?”
There is a twinge of guilt that stirs within me, a feeling I am not at all unfamiliar with. It plagued me for months, even years after I found out the truth of what terrible effects cigarette smoke…even second-hand smoke can have on a person’s body. But there is one difference now---I can forgive my stupidity for I know I was the victim of a terrible addiction and I have taken steps to gain my freedom once and for all.
It has not been easy. That first few weeks without my constant companion (that I was fooled into believing I loved) was life-shattering to say the least. I was turned into one who stumbled through the days not thinking straight and snapping at anyone that did. I blamed everything on not having a smoke. I reached out for the cigs over and over and when I realized they weren’t there I would feel at a loss and empty. Only a visit to the forum could quiet my anxiety and give me hope.
As time progressed I found I had to face many triggers, cravings and the dread of facing situations where I knew there would be more. There, too the forumily was my salvation.
The other day someone told me that I do such a good job encouraging others on the forum that I must be doing very well on my quit. I have since given this some deep thought. I feel I must come clean about a few things.
I try to think positively and I so want to convey positive thoughts to the newbies, or not-so-newbies for I remember how much it helped me along the way. But---there were times when I posted that I was feeling less than positive inside--a little unsure of the security of my quit. It has taken me four and a half months to really start to feel at ease and to really know in my heart that what I’ve said all along “Smoking is not an option anymore” is an absolute truth. Someone on the forum has in their signature---”fake it ‘til you make it” and I feel that’s truly what I’ve been doing for the most part of these past few months. But that has been a good thing.
The last two weeks it has gradually dawned on me that I have a different outlook. I no longer miss smoking. I look at others and wish I could impress on them how foolish they are. I am disgusted when I see them inhaling the toxic fumes and thinking they enjoy it. I can finally say ’how sweet it is’ not to be controlled by something that gives a false sense of pleasure while it is doing you harm.
I really am doing well. I’ve struggled but always with gratitude that I had found the strength I needed to make it through the rough times. That strength I found right here in this wonderful place called ’the forum’. The names and faces of all who give of themselves here have evolved into one big happy family, each an individual caring for the other. The friendship and comradery is endearing and cherished. And I love you all!!!
I came up with a new version of the song “I Can See Clearly Now”, the original sung by Anne Murray and others.
- I can see clearly now, the fog is gone,
There are no more obstacles in my way
Gone is the addiction that had me chained
It's gonna be a smoke-free, heal-thy
Feel good day.
It's gonna be a smoke-free, heal-thy
Feel good day.
I know I can make it now, the cravings are gone
All of the false lies have disappeared
Near is the freedom I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a smoke-free, heal-thy
Feel good day.
Sniff all around, there's nothin' but fresh air
Sniff straight ahead, nothin' but fresh air
I can see clearly now, the fog is gone,
There are no more obstacles in my way
Gone is the addiction that had me chained
It's gonna be a smoke-free, heal-thy
Feel good day.
It's gonna be a smoke-free, heal-thy
Feel good day!
Hallelujah!
Mary's Two Month MilestoneSix Months Smoke Free for Mary
One Year Smoke Free!
