Smoking Stole My Father and Changed My Future
You did not know this, but I was on my way to receiving a running scholarship for college, which my father and coaches had trained me for since I was 5 yrs old. My father was so disappointed in me that he did not speak or treat me the same for years because of the poor choices I'd made by bringing you into my life. I never went to college because my parents did not have the money, and had always counted on me to receive that scholarship through my running, which I so unexpectedly threw away. I had so much guilt because of all the time and money people invested in me and my future. To think I'd thrown it all away without a second thought.My father knew you well too, and you eventually succeeded in taking his life. He was also a runner when he met you, but unlike me, he was unable to get rid of you before it was too late. He had a stroke at 53 that kept him paralyzed in his bed for 17 years before he finally passed. I will never forgive you for that and I hate that I never got the chance to make amends with him before he passed. I hope he looks down at me now with all of my newly achieved successes like running and getting healthy again, starting my own business and raising a great kid. I hope he can finally smile proudly at the choices I am making and the progress I have made in preparing for my escape from you these last few months.
I don't plan on repeating history again in the relationship I have with my son. I plan on spending more time with him, no longer ignoring him to be with you. I'll now go out and play baseball with him when many times I refused, or when he was trying to talk to me but I did not listen, or would snap at him because I was busy and wanted to be with you. I’m so ashamed of how addicted and obsessed I was. I have ruined so many valuable relationships and wasted so much of my life and time, and for what? A little poisonous white paper stick?
I wish I could get that time back and be the mom I was meant to be. The wife and friend I could have been or the daughter and sister that I was expected to be. I cannot change the past, but can change right now and the future moving forward. I hope my family will forgive me and let me make it up to them over time. I also pray that I have not damaged my son or husband’s health or lungs when I was letting you poison mine.
My husband has always hated you. He would have to go out late at night and pick you up when I needed you, and if he wouldn’t right away, I would get angry. Over the years he had to spend a large amount of money so that I could get my fix from you. There were many occasions that I had to sneak out in shame and go get you myself in the middle of the night when everyone else was sleeping because I could not go back to sleep without you. Many times my husband wanted to hug me but I could not reciprocate those feelings back to him because of all of the years you suffocated me with your 4000 toxins. I did not have enough breath to accept his attempted offers of love and affection.
I was diagnosed early on in my 20’s with asthma; another "benefit" of knowing you. The doctors kept warning me about you and said you were slowly killing me. They said I had the lungs of a sixty year old woman. Now I use a nebulizer, inhaler and many other breathing contraptions to assist me in getting enough air into my slowly failing lungs.
Taking My Life Back
I will not let you continue to ruin my life, health, and relationships with my friends and family. You are a dirty, lethal, emotional leach that has sucked out all my confidence and made me feel as if I was nothing. You drained me physically with your fatal poisons. You made my nerves so bad I had to permanently be put on medications for anxiety and depression. You trained and brainwashed me which some would say is comparable to a suicide bomber trying to kill themselves and others around them with deadly gases and chemicals.You will never be welcome in my house again, or in my life. I will see you with your other friends and I will only feel sympathy for them because they also will find out that you're no good for them either. Some will not be strong enough to get rid of you, and you will eventually kill them with your deceitful and dishonest ways. Others will do as I am doing, and kick your sorry butt to the curb.
You took my dad and my aunt. You have tried unsuccessfully to take my mom with emphysema, but she is on to you and has also said her goodbyes. My brothers suffer because of you, but I know they will see that I defeated you and will soon follow the lead my mom and I have set. I’m finally free of you and will plead nonstop with others to do the same before it is too late.
I DESPISE YOU AND THE MIND GAMES YOU PLAY ON PEOPLE. GOOD BYE FOREVER TO A KILLER, LIAR, THIEF, FRAUD AND A PHONY HYPOCRITE DISGUISED AS A FRIEND.
~Jamie
