In the first week of my struggle to quit smoking, I wrote a letter to cigarettes. I'm a writer, so it was the only way I could express how I really felt. It helped me immensely to get the words on the page. To see what I liked and what I hated about it. That's what I would like to share.
Why I dislike you so much:
- You've been there for me for the past 6 years. A steady friend that I could always rely on. You've helped me celebrate great accomplishments and mourn great losses. You've helped me through stressful situations; eased my anxiety. You've never left me by myself or made me explain anything I've done. You've never asked me any questions. You've simply read my mind and knew how to make me feel better, happier, more confident in everything I was setting out to do. So, why, you might ask, do I dislike you when it seems all you've done is been there for me? Given me the comfort I've always asked you to give. You've even helped me celebrate so many joyous occasions: my birthdays, my wedding, trips I've taken.
You are a liar, and one of the worst kind. Over the last 6 years, you've manipulated me into believing that I need you to succeed, to celebrate, to get over rough patches, to relax, to concentrate, to do anything in my life. You've made me believe that I need you to have a glass of wine because without you, it wouldn't be same. It wouldn't taste as good without you, my "friend".
You've deceived me, and in the process you've taken people away from me through the lies you told them. People that I truly need. People that have been there for me before I found you. People that I will never get back. Your lies and your deceit have actually caused nothing but pain. And worse, they've caused people that I love more pain than I can imagine. You spread a disease; several diseases. I don't need a friend like you. I can't trust you.
You've always made me feel good, but you're like a one-night stand. While in the moment, it's good. It feels good. When it's over, guilt and shame and insecurity creep into your mind. And maybe that last one-night stand gave you a disease that will make you suffer for a lifetime or even kill you. That's what you are; you're a one-night stand that is repeated over and over and over. Several times a day. And each time I put you down, I am disgusted with myself, but it sure would be nice to have you just one more time.
You don't make me happy - you make me miserable. You make me embarrassed. You keep me from going to my favorite restaurants. You make me waste my money on you. Money I could use to buy something I really want, like that new suit I saw in the window, or a prize for my class so I can hold a contest to make class more interesting. You're nothing, and I don't need you. I don't want you anymore. I only think I do. I only feel like you're special. If you were a human, I'd have no problem letting you go. Ridding you from my life. And I'd be happier without you.
So, I'm giving you a human form. A living, breathing person in my life that is killing me slowly with deceit, manipulations, and lies. I will not allow you to have control anymore because I am stronger than you. I will not let you take me to my grave in the most painful way. I will not let you decide my fate. You may be able to manipulate the ones I love. You may get to laugh as you watch them struggle for what might be their last breath, and you may even laugh at me as I watch and hold their hand, but you won't get to laugh at me when I die. You won't get to make me continue to call for you, wish for you. I am stronger than you. I am better than you. And I will kill you!
Published: 1-22-2006
