I think back to when I rang in 2006 and I was feeling nothing less than desperation. My throat was raw day and night, my voice was weak and I was completely afraid. "You have to get a handle on this, girl," was what I thought, "or it’s over for you. There might be something wrong with you already. It’s time to make some significant changes."
I had just been out with two friends a couple of days before, on a Thursday night, and we were in a smoke-filled bar. We were all smoking and I remember not having the ability to talk to them because the bar was noisy, too. My voice was too weak to speak clearly and when I got home that night, I fell asleep thinking, "That’s it. I’m dying. I know smoking is killing me and I’m at the end of my rope. If the worst hasn’t happened already, it’s soon to follow..."
I’d grown so tired of the whole affair. I was tired of the smell of cigarette smoke in my house, in my car, on my clothing...everywhere. I was put off by the rising prices of cigarettes and the growing social stigma that is now attached to smoking. But more than these annoyances, I was afraid. I was afraid that my life was in danger and that I’d permanently damaged my greatest tool as a teacher...my voice.
Three days later I snuffed out my last cigarette at 9 p.m. Soon afterward, I logged on to the smoking cessation forum in search of earnest help.
The forum had been bookmarked on my computer for quite some time. The page that would pop up when I would click the link was about what happens to your body a mere 20 minutes after you stop smoking. The repairs would start to occur every day and yet I was a slave to the addiction of nicotine. I would be filled with guilt whenever I even saw the link, thinking about students in the high school where I teach begging me to stop smoking. Here were young people who had seen loved ones pass away after suffering horrible declines due to smoking-related illnesses.
I am a public speaking teacher; I would hear my students give public addresses to their classmates about the ills of smoking and I would be wracked with shame and guilt, knowing that I was doing something horrific to myself. I would stop for a day or two, only to be ensnared by "junkie thinking," which led me to smoke once more.
I watched my mother, a life-long smoker, go through two horrible surgeries to repair blocked carotid arteries. I realized that smoking might take me to a similar place. I needed to make a change and not look back. I was so afraid that this time, like so many times before, would be a failed attempt at putting the cigarettes down.
Once I'd quit, I plugged into the message boards any time I felt shaky or unsure. The first days and weeks after I quit smoking were full of ups and downs. It was a virtual roller coaster. Sometimes I would feel certain I'd never smoke again, almost to the place of cockiness. Other times, I wanted to smoke so badly that I would feel utterly exhausted trying to fight off the urges. Time passed and fortunately, the really difficult times eventually smoothed out.
I am so grateful to have found the courage to quit and to stay quit. I am ever so grateful for the support that I found here.
The About.com Smoking Cessation forum is filled with such beautiful souls who have been here for me. From joking around to offering unbelievable support, the forumily cheered me on through the rough times of this amazing journey. As the weeks turned into months, I came less often to the boards, but the support was always there when I needed it – unwavering, friendly, encouraging.
How could I not be grateful to my friends here? My brothers and sisters in the quit...the ones who came on board with me in January of 2006 and the ones who’ve been here before me. I owe you all a debt of heartfelt thanks. This forum has often been described as a magical place and it certainly worked magic for me.
If you’re reading this and don’t think you can make it, let me tell you that you can. You should keep your hands to the task because when you decide that you’ve had enough of cigarettes, nothing is ever the same. One of my favorite pieces of writing is called Desiderata. Roughly translated, that means, "My desire for you." A part of it goes like this:
- "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
You possess the strength to keep following the right path…the universe is unfolding as it should.
You are strong. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You won’t be sorry that you did.
What a ride. What a year.
Signing off with more sparkle and shine than ever before...and feeling like a miracle...
xoxo...Bella
