Marah's Year - One Year Smoke-Free

"I finally can (and do) take the time to truly "stop and smell the roses."

#17: I have always been an artistic and creative person, someone with many interesting hobbies. Unfortunately, in my last 5 or 6 years of smoking I was too lethargic to work on my hobbies much. I talked about them a lot (because I didn't want to admit to myself that I'd become a useless, shallow slug), but worked on them very little. Every so often, I would make a half-hearted effort to resurrect some partially-finished project, but I never made much headway. About 3 or 4 months into my quit (can't remember exact dates), I suddenly had the urge to work on batik again, something I haven't done in years. That was the first sign in a long time that my creative spirit was not dead, just dormant. Then, this past spring -- maybe 6 or 7 months into my quit -- my creative zeal returned in full force. I became obsessed with restoring antique dolls, spent a lot of time working on my dried flower collection, read like a maniac, batiked, did a painting. I felt alive again. To be so excited about a project that you don't want to go to sleep -- this has been one of the greatest benefits of quitting for me.

#18: One thing that tortured me when I was a smoker was the thought that if I contracted a smoking-related disease, everybody would say that it was my own fault. That really haunted me. I always wanted to smoke even more when I thought about the damage I'd done to myself. I don't have those worries now. If I get COPD, lung cancer, throat cancer, whatever, instead of blaming me people will say, "It's especially tragic because she'd had the courage to quit smoking."

#19: I asked for a promotion at work. There is no way I ever would have done this as a smoker. When I smoked, I constantly felt like I was going to get in trouble for something -- even when I hadn't done anything wrong! I had what my friend Seana calls the smoking "cloak of guilt" draped across my shoulders at all times, and always felt like I was on the brink of getting into trouble for some imagined crime. I don't know if I'll get the promotion or not, but it's pretty amazing to me that I had the nerve to ask for one. I do think I deserve it, though.

#20: I have never been an athletic person. In fact, I've always been sort of clumsy and physically uncoordinated. I remember thinking when I first quit smoking that if I ever got to the point where I could run an hour and not be out of breath, that would make me an athlete. Running for a whole hour seemed so inconceivable a year ago. Now I run for an hour at a time, four times a week. It is not difficult. Maybe that means I'm an athlete?

#21: Several people have said, "I can't believe you used to smoke! I can't imagine you as a smoker!" when I told them that I used to smoke (way back in...um..2006). That made me feel really good, like I hadn't permanently branded myself DAMAGED by smoking for 26 years. That was always one of my worries when I was a smoker, like it was too late to quit because I'd already ruined myself.

#22: This seems like a small thing, but it's a big deal for me. I remember with great clarity how awful it was when I had to make an important phone call when I was smoking regularly. I would have to do a full five minutes of throat-clearing and drink a glass of water beforehand in an effort to clear out that "frog in my throat." Once I had a phone interview for a job and I was so stressed worrying, "Am I going to lose my voice and start sounding hoarse?" that I couldn't even focus on the questions the interviewer was asking. I don't have to worry about that kind of thing anymore.

#23: When I was smoking, the skin on my face was like gray crepe paper. It used to "tent," i.e., you could take a little fold and pinch it and it would stay in place for a few seconds before slowly sinking back to normal. This was upsetting as I am not even 40! Now, it goes right back to normal immediately.

#24: I am a person who has always loved nature. In my twenties, I used to go out on the Appalachian Trail by myself for more than a month at a time. I love the changing of the seasons. I love animals. I love learning the Latin names of flowers and plants. Smoking is antithetical to the natural world. Everything in the natural world strives to live, to survive. Survival is the name of the game. Smoking, on the other hand, is death-promoting and life-draining. The two do not go together. Now, when I am outside, breathing in the fresh air, watching a squirrel in a tree, seeing the flowers, I feel like I am at last really part of it all. I don't have to struggle to try to reconcile the incongruity of being a smoker and a "nature person."

I have mentioned many benefits about the improvements I've noticed in my appearance and the compliments I've received since I quit smoking. I know it seems superficial, but these changes have been really important to me because for so many years I would look in the mirror and feel like I looked ugly. My last five or six years as a smoker, there was only one occasion that I can remember where I looked in the mirror and thought, "I look really good!" It was in 2003. I don't know if I actually looked ugly all of those years or if it was just a constant low-grade depression and loss of self-esteem that made me feel badly about my appearance, but it definitely takes a terrible psychic toll when you never feel pretty.

I hated looking at myself in the mirrors in the bathroom at the hospital and in nursing school, with those blinding fluorescent lights. I felt I looked gray, haggard and strained. One of the greatest benefits of quitting is that in the past 14 months since I last smoked, there have been many, many times when I've looked in the mirror and thought, "I look really pretty today!" and I truly have received so many compliments this year (maybe it's just because I hold my head higher and stand up straighter or maybe I really do look a ton better, but I'll take any compliments that come my way!).

I spent so much time sitting on my fire escape, smoking and pondering things, I always regarded myself as the type of person who took the time to stop and smell the roses. In truth, nothing could have been further from the truth. But now, as a nonsmoker, I finally can (and do) take the time to truly "stop and smell the roses."