"I knew the time had come that I had to quit smoking."
Reflecting back on this past year is to look back at a year of transformation. Little did I know when I made the decision to quit smoking, what a profound effect it would have on my entire life and who I am.I have been a smoker for most of my life and quit several times along the way. Each quit lasted only a few months until I found a viable excuse to start again. About 10 years ago, I quit for 2+ years and thought I had my addiction beat for good that time. Unfortunately, I started listening to an old familiar voice in my head that softly whispered about memories I thought were long forgotten.
Little did I know, I was setting myself for a relapse.
Alone one weekend, I decided to buy a pack of cigarettes as a reward for all the hard work I was doing. I truly thought I could enjoy a few and then put them aside, because after all, I had quit...right?If I could take back one bad decision of my life, this would be the one.
That one cigarette led to smoking the entire pack, which of course led to another pack. As I look back now, I can see that with the very first cigarette, I was a full-blown smoker again. I deluded myself however, and said I could quit whenever I wanted, and continued to smoke.
And that’s when the lies began.
Although I enjoyed my little romance with smoking at the beginning, I could not admit to anyone that I had started again. That would prove me a failure. That would show a weakness in me that I could not allow anyone to see. I withdrew into my own secret little world that only had room for me and my addiction.So the deception was put into motion...
...and would continue for 8 long years.
Only people who have hidden their addiction can truly understand the pain and loss of self-worth this behavior causes. Not only do we allow it, we feed and nurture the covert nature of this kind of deception, letting it take over our lives...making it the most important part of our lives even, like a secret lover that takes over our thoughts and consumes us, body, mind and soul. Hiding becomes an obsession.Daily activities are planned around smoking, and we are always thinking about when the next opportunity will come to have a smoke, or worse, the unexpected disruption of daily routine that leaves us missing out and wanting. Little do others know that we were in a constant state of withdrawal; every day, every moment when we’re around others...always on edge, always wondering when our need will be satisfied again.
The madness continued...
and drew me deeper into its degrading addiction.
I suffered for years with this denial, self-hate and deception.
Finally, I knew the time had come that I had to quit. I could not keep living my life like this. Not only did I feel physically that this addiction was slowly killing me; I knew it was killing my spirit as well. Thus, the seed of my smoking cessation was planted.But when? I thought of the upcoming month and how I would be alone for 3 different weekends in August. Ah...I can have a smokefest; smoke my brains out for the entire month of August and quit in September! The moment I heard myself thinking that absurd thought, I knew what I had to do. I quit on July 24th with every ounce of determination I had, and decided to use those weekends in August that I was by myself to prove my strength and resolve.
