And So the Healing Began...

"This past year has brought transformation...and renewal to my life."

Alone, with no one else knowing...I quit smoking. I kept my anxiety and nicotine withdrawal to myself. On day five, I was by myself and knew this was going to be the day that either made or broke my quit. Being the levelheaded, non-imaginative person that I am, I came up with a plan. And it was a good plan! The plan was this: I could do whatever I wanted that day, as long as I didn't leave the property. That would work, I reasoned. No smokes on the premises, and if I stayed far enough away from the sidewalk so as not to bum a smoke from passers-by, I’d be safe.

So began the worst day of my quit; one that, to this day I remember so vividly. Even though I gave myself permission to do whatever I wanted, like eat everything in sight, veg out, or sleep all day, I decided to work and be productive around the house. By three in the afternoon, nothing had gone right. I'd broken everything that I had tried to fix, and was in a total state of frustration. I finally lost it! A primal scream from the basement was surely heard a block away. Not only did I scare our pets, I scared myself as well. Hysterical laughter followed...and a few more screams for good measure. Then came the tears. By the end of the day I was a total wreck, but I got through it -- smoke-free.

The next day I was exhausted from what I'd put myself through the day before. I sat down in front of the computer and looked for help. That’s when I found this forum, this magical place that I now call home. One of the first posts I read was from a closet smoker and the torment she had gone through. I couldn’t believe what I was reading...I had truly thought I was the only one who had hidden my smoking addiction.

That’s the exact moment the healing began.

I cried.

I cried for all the things that I had given up in my life, and I cried even harder for the relief of knowing that I was not alone anymore. I knew now that I didn’t have to carry this burden by myself any longer. There was help, if I just reached out and asked. I read the beautiful words of support to this person and knew that I had found a place where I could feel welcomed and not be ashamed anymore. I had found my saving grace.

A week later, feeling stronger in my resolve to quit, I confessed my smoking history to my husband. He was shocked, and hadn't had a clue that I had started smoking again. It was tough the next few days...trying to stay strong in my quit while dealing with my years of previous deception. It wasn’t easy, but I knew this was going to be the quit, and I wasn’t going to let any shame or guilt rob me of the pride I was feeling. I held tough and stayed on course.

I never posted much during my first months at the forum, but I was logged on almost every day, reading posts and all of the information I could get my hands on.

Not smoking was the most important thing in my life...

I took it easy on myself through the first months of my quit progam. I decided that not smoking was the most important thing in my life. And like most everyone else, I went through stages of recovery. For me, that meant mood swings, lethargy and weight gain. By the fourth month however, I'd had enough and wanted to get back on track. I started eating better and six weeks later added daily exercise back into my routine. It didn’t take long and the weight I'd gained due to quitting came back off and I was feeling good about myself again. But this time it felt different...because not only did I change my body, I was noticing a change in who I was.

This is how I captured that feeling at the time, in a post that I wrote back in February:

"Not long ago mirrors were walked by quickly and ignored...but lately they invite a closer look. These days I pause to gaze at that new person looking back. Not only has the silhouette transformed, but the eyes that look back have changed as well."

As the months progressed, events happened and life changed. Some people came into my life and some disappeared. Lately, I have come to accept and welcome these changes...for only when we do that, can we truly be at peace with ourselves and embrace the thought of new happiness that may be just over the horizon, just beyond our immediate view.

This past year has brought transformation, accomplishments and renewal to my life in so many ways. I believe it’s because of all of the members of this great forum that I have made possibilites into realities. Thank You. Thank you for being part of my journey.

I believe in letting fate take its course,
and I truly believe all things happen for a reason.
We must go through adversity to earn our joy and freedom.
This I believe, with all my heart.