When I met my wonderful husband, he was a smoker too, so that gave me even more of a reason to hang on to my crutch. There were many times we didn't have the funds to make ends meet, but we always had enough to buy our cigs. I remember looking for spare change that might have fallen between the couch cushions just so I could buy a pack of cigarettes. I would panic if I had only a few cigarettes left, and would have to immediately run out to the store to replenish my supply.
Through both of my pregnancies I quit smoking...or in everyone else's eyes I had. My family wasn't aware of the numerous times I hid from them just so I could have a smoke. I was too ashamed to let them know I didn't have the strength to give up the addiction. How horrible is that to be pregnant and giving your unborn child each puff that you take of a cigarette. As I think back to this, it makes me very sad to know I was that kind of a mother.
As my kids grew up, I went on puffing away - through soccer games, dance lessons, and school activities I always found time and a place to have my cigarettes. I often wonder how many times I missed something special happening in my kid's lives because Mom was outside filling her lungs up with cigarette smoke.
Once my kids grew up and moved out on their own, I experienced that horrible "empty nest syndrome", and puffed away even more. My husband and I seemed lost without the kids and instead of us pulling closer together, we did our own thing, which of course included smoking more often than ever before. Cigarettes became our best friend and kept us company through the lonely times when we should have been holding on to each other.
Then, one day we received some happy news that we were going to be grandparents. The first thing my son requested of me and my hubby was to not smoke in front of his child. Our kids had asked us many times before to quit, but we just ignored them and went on puffing. This time my son was adamant about wanting no smoking around his baby.
When our grandson was born, we followed our son's request and never smoked around him, but would run and hide outside no matter what the weather conditions were to have that forbidden cigarette. I remember well that cold winter day when I slipped outside on the patio in hopes of having a cigarette. I had just lit up when I heard a little knock on the patio door. There stood my grandson with his little face pressed against the window, looking at his Nana puff away. I will never forget the look upon his face or his little voice as he said,
- "Nana, come in, it's cold, you get sick."
That image of my grandson stood out in my mind and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake it. Finally I went to my husband and told him what my feelings were and asked him if he'd be willing to quit smoking with me. He readily agreed, and here we are today over 3 months free of that horrible addiction.
I have discovered a new life since I quit smoking. My health has greatly improved, my house smells fresh and so do I. When my grandson comes over, I spend precious time with him instead of wondering how I am going to sneak outside for a puff. My hubby and I have learned how to have a conversation with each other again instead of sitting and smoking our quality time away. We both go for long walks and enjoy each other's company as it should be. We plan on taking a cruise with the money we are putting away each month that would have gone up in smoke if we had continued to buy cigarettes.
I encourage anyone who has this addiction to search your heart and see if you can come up with one good reason to poison your body. I always look at my quitting smoking as a gift I am giving to myself. The gift of life, how more precious can this be! I was a smoker for 33 years, and for the first time in my life, I feel freedom is mine and I cherish it with each passing moment. I wish this for any smoker who is out there. Please give up this addiction.
You CAN do it!!
~Jan~
(JanInMn)
