Kristy Quit Smoking

It's impossible for me to let go of cigarettes without remembering my best friend: my Grandmother. She died from cancer ten years ago. It was a smoking-related death that came because she waited too long to quit smoking. Because of this, I don't have a best friend anymore. I never will again.

She died when I was 18 years old. For the last ten years, I've been lost in a forest of bad decisions. One of those horrible decisions was to start smoking. It's "funny" how that came about. The night my Grandmother died of cancer, I began smoking. I'll never know exactly why I decided to do that. I've come to believe it's because that, of all the many things I ever saw of her, I came to associate her most with a cigarette. She was my role model. I imitated her. I even have a funny "Smoking buddy" picture of her and I, taken when I was about a year old. Somewhere in my old photo albums is a picture of me and my best friend with cigarettes in our mouths. Granny looks tough. So do I. This picture would probably be considered irresponsible for an adult to take today, but Granny was a free spirit, and I'm sure it was all in fun. For me, smoking became a way for me to imitate and remember my Grandmother. How ashamed she would be of me if she knew that.

She first tried to quit smoking after I was born. I was her "first born" Grandchild, so she felt that when I came along, it was time to put cigarettes down for good. I have her old "Quit" book in my room, yellowed pages and all. I look at it sometimes and cry. She lists among her reasons to quit "So I can see my granddaughter grow up." If my Granny had been able to quit at that time, in 1976, it's very possible she would still be with me today. She would have not only seen me grow up, but grow wise in time, too. She would have lived to give me guidance in my early adulthood. But at that time, my Granny was unable to stop smoking. She continued smoking until 1991. I am still so very proud of her that she was able to finally quit. She considered it her biggest accomplishment in life, and I couldn't agree with that more. When I went to my Granny's smoke free house for the first time, I was so proud of her. I was 16 at that time, and even at that age, no one was a better friend to me than my "Ol' Granny" as she called herself. She kept little notes about her accomplishment on quitting smoking and we discussed it often. She still craved a cigarette sometimes, but she was past the worst part. And she could smell things again! She was really happy about that.

In 1993 she was diagnosed with lung cancer. I still believe her quit gave her an extra year and we both needed an extra year to say goodbye. I am thankful I had the opportunity to take care of her during her very painful treatments. We talked. She described the pain of cancer to me. She cried some. I cried privately. They were able to get rid of her lung cancer, but it had already spread to her brain. She never even got to go to my high school graduation, something that hurt me deeply and that I didn't understand at the time(she got sick so suddenly, I wasn't sure why she had skipped something she had encouraged of me). Within two months she was gone. I never needed my Grandmother more in my life than I needed her when I first started college. I needed her so very much then.

I am 28 years old. I have two younger siblings I love very much. I may have children some time in the next five years. These people need me to be around for a very long time. They will need me years from now the same way I needed my Grandmother when I first got out of high school. Will I be there for my little brother if I continue smoking at the pace I am now? I don't know and I don't want to take that chance. I do not want to wait until it's too late.

I don't believe anyone ever really "dies" in a spiritual sense. Whenever someone "goes away", they leave lessons for us to learn from, scattered pieces of a puzzle that we must collect as we struggle to make sense of our demons. Smoking is my demon and I am figuring it out one piece at a time with the help of my best friend, my Grandmother. The memories she left with me guide me even today. I only wish she were here to know that.

My Granny never would have wished this addiction on me. She would be ashamed that I started and continued smoking. Of all things she tried to teach me, it was that smoking was an addiction and something that you don't play around with. As a "child" at 18, I saw only that my Grandmother had smoked. I grabbed for something concrete, easy, and weak(a cigarette). Now, ten years later, I'm grabbing for something a little more abstract and more difficult to grasp: the art of letting go. I'm learning how to let go a little more every day. I hope in time that I am able to do this. I had a wonderful example in my Grandmother. At 18, I only remembered that she had smoked. At 28, I smile and remember that she also QUIT. I'm going to imitate her on that, too.