Three Whole Months

OH MY GOODNESS!! Three whole months! I can't believe it. Three months and thirty pounds later. It's been a very interesting process, but as exciting and growth-oriented as it's been, it has also been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. I sometimes think that the remembrance of the first two months difficulties and emotional upheaval keep me from ever wanting to go through that again. There is also this sense of having 'crossed over' somehow, like there's no turning back.

I remember the loss of self-esteem of even the few puffs of my slip, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to deal with starting again. I have an incredibly realistic nightmare that I have started again. In my hellish dream, I am smoking a pack left over from an evening of friends and cocktails where I had just 'thrown caution to the wind' with a devil-may-care attitude. I was looking at my flattened sticks and wishing it weren't true, and wondering if I would have to start my quitmeter again, knowing that I would, and dreading the process that would start with fighting off the fast and furious craves of my earlier days. I was bereft.

And then I woke up. My body was instantly flooded with relief. I hadn't started again, I was still a non-smoker. I smiled curled up in bed with my cozy pajamas that didn't smell like smoke. I breathed in deeply and long, revelling in the ability to do so, and with nary a wheeze! WHEW! I was still a non-smoker. Did I feel fully confident I was now a non-smoker and would remain that way for the rest of my life? No. Not quite. Not yet. But the relief I felt after the horror of my nocturnal fantastic relapse was enough to spur me on in my process. It also triggered a slight craving however, and I knew it was important to post, to reconnect with the forumily, to see how everyone was doing.

The magic of the forum lays not only in the amazingly strong and supportive individuals who frequent its pages, but also in the uncanny way someone seems to address whatever hurdle the non-smoker may be facing at any particular time. There was much talk of relapse and return, of cravings and acheivement in overcoming these.

There were also many milestones, and it was wonderful to see. It's equally wonderful to see how much easier it seems to become with each added star, with each experience conquered without the stick. It's also an important reminder to keep on guard as I read some oldbie's experience with cravings during difficult trials of their lives. 'Life happens no matter what' is a common and all too true saying. I think about the difficulties of my life and how I choked myself with sickorettes and woke up feeling charred, wheezy and even worse. They do not lighten the load.

The sky is such a wonder to behold here, the constant glow of the sun amazes me, an eternal northern flame in these warm months. Twice already we have seen the greenish golden curtain of the Aurora Borealis or the Northern Lights, even though it is not yet winter. They are a spectacular show of dancing undulating beams that sometimes look like people walking in front of some giant green spot light. It is around this time that I am sitting outside watching angels play with light.

There is a blissful moment where I am completely present. I do not crave, I do not desire, I am completely at peace. It may last awhile or it may abate in a second. All I know is that these moments are rare and cherishable, and I look forward to more of them. Even in my calmest moments as a smoker, there was always that underlying guilt, that niggling fear that I was systematically destroying my health, choking my cells, blackening my lungs. Ironically, these thoughts of my self-destruction would cause me to smoke even more as they caused feelings of uncomfortability and angst, feelings I squelched with the choke-weed.

Randall does not make it this time. By the fourth day, he is smoking again. He says he went to a friend's place to sit around the campfire and his inhibitions were lowered. This is a common trigger; alcohol, socializing and friends who smoke. There are varying opinions on the wisdom of this. I know that Allen Carr advocates doing everything just as you always did and confronting the urges immediately. I also have heard of many relapses when socializing and alcohol were concerned. For myself, I jumped straight in and seemed to be okay, but I don't think it's always the wisest choice of action.

Randall believes he will only smoke with his friends on weekends. Within one week, he is exceeding his original consumption. It works like that sometimes. I do not judge him, nor do I pat him on the back. This is not an easy addiction, it didn't start that way and it certainly can't always be overcome that way, at least not for most of us. I hope he will try again. I am heartened he really feels the toxicity at his young age of twenty-two. I don't think I fully realized what I was doing at that time in my life. Perhaps because everyone around me were addicts. It was not considered as awful as it is.

I don't think many people understood the severity of the additives and chemicals in sickorettes until much later. I believe the movie the 'Insider' had much to do with the opening of many eyes and minds here in North America. I was furious to learn at the Tobacco Companies disregard for human health in the face of all of their knowledge. If I had known of that earlier, I believe I would have quit out of sheer indignation. But everyone has their 'bottom', I guess. I just hope they all find it in time.