6 Months - I'm Halfway Home

Six months. Me. I cannot believe I am halfway to one full year of not smoking.

For anybody who knows me or knew me, this is nothing short of miraculous. As I've mentioned before, one would be hard pressed to find a photograph of me anywhere from the age of 15 on without a cigarette in hand. Hours now pass without me thinking about them.

I wake up with thoughts of the day ahead as opposed to the first rancid drag being my motivation for leaving the flannels. So this should be time to rejoice! A song and dance, deep breathing freedom, right? And there are those moments, to be sure. They are tiny thrills, little lights that move quickly and energetically through me, there yet not quite tangible, not quite solid. There is something else I didn't anticipate. Feeling.

I have always known I was sensitive, I mean - that's why we overeat, smoke, drink too much, shop too much, who wants to feel that deeply all of the time? So I had to face myself, my emotions, my sensitivities, for the first time completely unaided by any crutch, since I was fifteen years old.

The first few weeks I cried my eyes out. I had no idea there could be that much water in a person. Even if we are mostly water, I felt I weeped a pond full nearly every day. Now it's maybe only a bathtub full, but still! I guess there was alot inside I didn't really allow myself to feel.

On top of getting to know our real un-anesthetized selves all over again, there is the physiological aspect of this addiction, it is not purely personally emotive. There is a chemical reaction in our brains that really affects the way we think and react when it is dulled by nicotine.

Studies have shown that nicotine increases the dopamine, those feel good chemicals, in brain cells. When we stop poisoning our cells in this manner, they have to re-learn how to activate themselves and not rely on nicotine's stiumlations.

Some people find a great benefit to going on anti-depressants for a time to ease this process slightly. Though Zyban seems to be taken during cessation, I am learning that there are some who feel they need an easing to the process even after they've already quit. I haven't so far, but I say, whatever works to keep you off the toxins, you can eventually ween off of the anti-depressants.

I'm learning to feel and react normally all over again. It isn't always fun, but it is getting easier. Sometimes I am thoroughly choked at why growth has to be so dang difficult! But I suppose it's to instill an appreciation for what we have achieved or accomplished.

I was at a pub briefly with some colleagues last week. One gentleman in our gathering had been smoking for several years. He had quit twice, one time was for four years. 'Four years?? What could have possibly made you go back?' I asked him. He smiled sheepishly, 'I thought I could just smoke the one,' he said.

When I asked if he had craved it, sitting around in a pub with a few friends, much like we were presently doing he replied, 'No. I had gotten over the cravings. In fact, I had never felt better in my entire life. I just thought I could get away with just one. I'll quit again,' he said wistfully, 'I want to feel like that again'.

Sometimes in the turmoil and yearning of the process, we forget how much better we truly have it. It really is all about time and patience. I also realize that there are other things I am contending with in my life that I know are causing the tears to flow a bit heavier than they would otherwise.

Transistions seem to happen so much more quickly as the years pass, I can barely keep up with them. Sometimes I just want a staid, calm life of peacefulness which doesn't seem to be in the cards for this former drama-queen, that's for sure.

But I do know that starting to smoke again would not change one thing in my life, would not make it better, would not stop the lessons. It's like that great saying I read on the forum;

'There is nothing so bad that smoking won't make it worse.'

I have not met one ex-smoker yet who wants to start again. I have heard they have the odd cravings, I even heard one individual say, ' I really miss it'. When asked if she would go back to smoking, she looked horrified, 'Are you kidding me? No way! Blech.' So I guess that kind of sums it up.

6 months and counting. Funny, I didn't really believe I'd make it past the first week! My quitmeter shows over $1,500 saved, and two weeks of my life won back. Let the tears flow. Maybe I'll cry in Hawaii, now that I've nearly saved enough to get there!