The Jitterbug

I have a jittery feeling lately. Maybe it's because the air is turning cooler and I know the snow that is to come. It is happening too quickly, I was hoping for more sunny days. I can feel the warmth bleeding into the nights and now in the mornings, there is a touch of frost on everything. It's beautiful, it's magical, but it's too darn soon.

There are also transitions happening in my life, and though I know they're positive changes, they are things that were familiar to me, and of comfort, and now they're leaving. This creates in me a desire to seek comfort elsewhere. And in my illusory mind, it always came from the death sticks.

They've always been a kind of crutch, something I could turn to in fury, anxiety or sadness. They were also 'motivators' , so I would use them to get up in the mornings. Now I look back and am amazed at how, even though I felt the first one of the day encouraged me to leave the toastiness of the comforter in the mornings, I would sit ever unproductively longer, perhaps having another, and feel myself losing energy. I would feel the dryness and slight pain in my throat, the beginnings of a headache start to creep in, subtle - but definitely present.

I used cigarettes as 'rewarders', I could sit down and relax with a stick after cleaning out the fridge (or behind it), I could have a few puffs if the phone rang during cleaning and 'have a break'. The entire reward system was created solely in my mind, and re-enforced on a near daily basis. No wonder this process had been so mentally difficult, I had made it that way.

But by far, one of the biggest things I used them for, was for comfort and security. No matter what transpired in my life, what changes I went to, what new country I visited, I could take them with me, lean on them, envelope myself in their familiar poison. Another illusion.

The only feeling my cigarettes quelled was the dulling of anxiety and uncomfortability solely created by the addiction. There was no real lessening of the pain or tension that was deeper within. I wonder how many things we hang onto out of comfort and familiarity, things that we know aren't healthy for us?

I know it's a strong theme in my life, to be sure, and I think that's why this process was more of a struggle for me than I've seen it be for others. I have stayed in staid jobs that no longer fulfilled me, and with men when the connection, the growth and the kindnesses were all dried up, and even unhealthy friendships I could neither trust nor rely on because 'we had known eachother forever'.

Now it was the same with the cigarettes. Our 'relationship' was over, there was nothing it truly added to my life. It only stole, took the twinkle out of my eye, the moisture from my face, the spring out of my step...effectively and continuously robbing me of health, energy and freshness.

For most of us, it is a subtle draining, as it was for me, so it's not always easy to pinpoint exactly what is so wrong about induging in the odd puff. I guess that would sort of be like having the odd fling with your ex, it just doesn't work that way.

Yet, still the restlessness.