Paula's Quit Story

I spent a lot of time at the forum (I remember my screen name being AgentMulderLover - I was a big Xfiles fan in those days). I posted and read, and my quit lasted 20 months. Those 20 months were wonderful. Of course, it was hard at first, but after a year smoke free(before that even!), I could really FEEL the benefits. My health was better - no cough, and colds would not turn into a chest infection. I had more energy, and my self-esteem shot up. I was much calmer and in control. My husband couldn't get over the change in me, and loved the 'new me'. I had energy to play with the kids, and I liked the person I was now that I was a nonsmoker. This was it! I had the nicodemon beat for sure!

In December 2003, I had a pre-Christmas party, and thought I would 'treat' myself to a few ciggies as it was the festive season. Of course, before I knew it, I was back to a pack a day again. My friend Carol had been quit for a year, and almost a year to the day of her quit, she was diagnosed. Carol was a lady with a strong personality, and it was awful to watch her shrink before our very eyes. For the first few months after her diagnosis, she didn't look much different. She had radiotherapy, which she said burned her and she'd be unable to eat because it was too painful, but she remained upbeat and positive, and said she was going to beat this thing. I only ever saw her cry once - she came to visit my sister and myself. She was talking about her illness, saying that even though she knew the doctors would keep her drugged up to help ease her symptoms and her passing...she knew that she was going to 'die a horrible death', and that even though she might not know too much about it , her family was going to have to go through the trauma of watching her die. Carol went into a hospice just before Christmas of 2002, and died in March of 2003. She left behind her husband and her son, who was 14 at the time, as well as many, many friends who will always remember her as a larger than life lady who loved life and could make even the most sour-faced person smile.

So, there I was on a pack a day again, and my health began to suffer - as well as the awful, hacking smoker's cough. I had started to get chest pains. I thought I was having heart pains, but after extensive checks on my heart, I was finally diagnosed with GERD - (gastro-esophagus-reflus-disease) and given medication, a diet sheet, and a strong warning from my doctor that by smoking, it was not going to get any better. I didn't heed this warning and continued to smoke, thinking that by changing my diet I'd be okay, but of course I wasn't.

On January 11th, 2004, I decided enough was enough. I didn't want to be a smoker any more. I was fed up with waking up in pain, spending the day in pain, and living on antacids and paracetamol. I lasted 36 days and picked up again - feeling nothing but disgust at myself for caving and not having the strength to stick with it. My health continued to trouble me and on March 2nd, I was diagnosed with a duodenal ulcer and given medication to rid me of this - again with a strong warning that by smoking, I was leaving myself at risk of my ulcer not healing or coming back.

I have a strong family history of heart disease - my dad had his first heart attack, aged 36. I spent the last few years of my smoking addiction obsessing about death. I was convinced that my doctors had it wrong, that they missed something, and spent so much time at my doctor's that I'd be better off taking my sleeping bag and camping out rather than on the telephone making yet another appointment.

I stopped smoking on 6th March, 2004, and am now 8 days into my new win. While my obsessive thoughts haven't gone, I am finding it easier to cope. I am seeing my doctor with a view of getting counseling to help me over this, because I can't live my life in fear anymore - quitting smoking is a step in the right direction.

I have a wonderful husband who has supported me through all of the tough times, and 2 wonderful daughters. I want to watch my girls grow up, become young women, and I want to be there when they have their babies. I want to be around to see that, to share in the joy of new life. That is not going to happen if I continue smoking. Finding this forum again has been a real Godsend for me. With the support of the wonderful people here, I feel that this time my quit will be for keeps. Already, with just a week behind me, I feel better. I no longer cough and wheeze, and my sense of smell and taste have come roaring back. I also know that by continuing to visit, reading and posting, I have a much better chance at succeeding. So many of you have been an inspiration - Everyone, and all the S.A.K.E. girls, the WOS too - you've made me smile when all I thought I wanted to do was to sit in the corner and cry because I was so miserable. It's the early days, but I am determined that I am going to make it to that wonderful 7% club!

~Paula39~