May Quit Smoking One Year Ago

Wow, I can't even believe I'm writing this...

One year ago today I "ran out" of cigarettes. You see I am not one of those people who can set a quit date then throw out all smoking materials. I said "this is the last pack, when they're gone, I'm done." To my surprise, I meant it!

Two weeks later I stumbled onto the About.com Smoking Cessation site and started lurking on the forum. I never left. What an amazing place. Just reading the posts helped so much in those early days. I was there 24/7 for awhile.

As a smoker, I felt like such a big hypocrite. I was ashamed that I was so hooked. I hated having to plan the next fix. I hated the sneaky shopping trips for "supplies". I hated the withdrawals when I was forced to do without for an extended period of time. I hated wasting all that money. I hated avoiding those who meant so much to me just to indulge in a self-destructive habit. I couldn't stand the guilt and the fear that I was harming myself. I hated all of it. HATED IT!

Quitting was easy for me. I didn't want to be a smoker. Recovering was not so easy. I seemed to be on the slow track, physically. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, to all the wonderful, wise veterans who assured me that it would get better. I was not on the standard timetable but I promised myself I would give my body a chance to recover. It took time.

I was secretly terrified that I would never be myself again. What I wasn't aware of was that I was recovering, but gradually. There were some dark days indeed, not so much in cravings, but in wanting my old self back. I wanted my energy, my brains, my motivation, and my old pants size!

Guess what? SHE'S BAAAAAACK! I don't even know exactly when it happened. I am going to say around 9 months or so. I am not some magically transformed non-smoker person. I am the same person I used to be, minus the smoking, which is all I wanted. OK, OK, I still need to lose the weight. But I do not smoke nor do I have any desire to, which is just short of miraculous for me. Smoking is something I used to do and even the memories of being a smoker are fading.

I don't know what I would have done without the forum. And I'm not going to mention any names because I will forget somebody. You are all so wonderful I can't thank you enough. Thank you to the experienced veterans whose words I clung to when things were rough (newbies, LISTEN to them). Thank you to those who were just a few steps ahead who gave me a glimpse into tomorrow and dragged me along. Thank you, my fellow Octsmobers just for being my fellow Octsmobers and listening and nodding when I had to whine. Lastly (but not leastly), thanks to those who came behind me for reminding me where I came from. I love you all.

Just the other day I was driving home from work, singing my little heart out when I came around a bend in the road to the most stunning view of the Octsmober fall foliage. It was truly breathtaking, in a good way. Last year I missed it, (darn brain fog) but never again. Octsmober is a beautiful month.

So without further ado, I am going for a no-holds-barred celebratory dinner tonight!

I still can't really believe I did this. This just feels so good.

Published 11-27-2005