QueenGee's Quit Story

"When I smoked, I felt like an outcast..."

5 months ago I had enough. Enough of scraping money together to go buy cigarettes, enough of having the fact that I smoked choose the men I dated, and enough of having to subject my nonsmoking friends to smoke because I just couldn't sit in a nonsmoking section. I was sick of organizing my life around smoking.

I remember standing in my kitchen one morning in December having a smoke and brainstorming about taking a second job to get me through the holidays. That's when it hit me. I'm lighting $125 on fire every month, so why don't I just stop doing that first? It was like an epiphany. Sounds pretty sad that I didn't quit for my health or my appearance. That very day I bought patches. Started with the 21mg and stayed on them a few weeks long than I should. The first couple of weeks were really strange because I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know who I was! I felt weird - kind of "disembodied" somehow. But my friends - and especially my mom, were cheering me on, so I couldn't disappoint them!

I stepped down to the 14mg patch, then the 7mg. Stayed on the 7mg for longer than I should have too, as a crutch of sorts. I was terrified to go off the patch completely because I thought (wrongly) that the patch was my strength. I finally just bit the bullet though, and didn't put it on one day. It was tough, but no tougher than the transition between 21mg and 14mg.

Soon after that, I began gaining weight. Probably had something to do with the overwhelming NEED for buttered toast, chocolate chip cookies, and ice cream. I'm talking NEED. Like, "can't go to sleep until I have bread" need. Now, I'm a healthy person, in good shape, at a normal weight. I just don't ever eat like that, so it scared me. I saw my weight spiraling out of control, and it freaked me out.

Someone told me about Wellbutrin and I did some research. Apparently Zyban and Wellbutrin work by evening out the brain chemicals that make us feel good. The same ones that when they dip tell us to smoke...or in my case to eat copious amounts of bread and sugar as a "feel good" substitue for smoking. I asked my doctor for a prescription, and before I knew it, I felt and ate like normal again.

It's now been 5 months and three weeks. My mom holds a celebration every single Tuesday, marking every weekly milestone. She's been the reason why I didn't relapse early on. I mean, how can you disappoint someone who makes a party for you every week complete with presents?

I look back at the first month or two with pride, but also with the resolve that I will never, ever start over again. Ever. It's just not worth it. I see people smoking and I don't look at the cigarette with longing anymore. I go out to eat or to a bar and get annoyed with the fact that I smell like an ashtray when I get home. I can smell smoker's breath and it physically repulses me. And I'm ashamed that I smelled like that. I guess I'm becoming of of "those" ex-smokers, but like someone on these forums said, we deserve to be intolerant and grossed out. We've worked very hard for that privilege.

Some positive changes that I didn't even expect involve my relationships. My relationship with smoking was always the number one relationship for me. It was more important than my relationship with my mother, my girlfriends, and my coworkers. I would only half-listen to my friends, would only have half of me present whenever we got together. The other half of me was planning my next smoke or was distracted by smoking it. Now I'm fully in the "moment" and can devote all of my attention to my friends and my mom and my coworkers. It's pretty amazing the difference that makes.

I also feel "clean" now. When I smoked, I felt like an outcast, and was embarrassed by the way my house and car smelled, the way my breath and hair smelled. I was jealous of nonsmokers and the innocence they had that I didn't. They were free and I wasn't. They looked at me with pity when I smoked (sometimes with disgust too). They couldn't understand why I had to smoke. I was ashamed that I was an addict. I tried to be "cool" about smoking, that it wasn't something I wished I could get rid of. I had convinced myself that I was different, a rebel. Cool. Now I know how nonsmokers saw me, because that's how I look at smokers now.

I will be a reformed smoker for the rest of my life, I know that. But it's not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Perhaps it's because I was ready and I did it for myself, not for anyone else. It's also because I had the support of everyone around me. I also firmly believe in prayer. I know that I didn't do it myself - when I prayed for help, I know I got it.

~QueenGee32~